Magic Bars
Today, I fell off the diet wagon. The hunger and fatigue were gnawing at me. I couldn’t fathom counting another calorie or WW point. I didn’t care about my exercise or activity. I just wanted food. A full mouth followed by a full stomach. I wanted to feel the fat of any one of my forbidden foods washing down my throat. Sugar, chocolate, coconut, bread, cheese, pesto, oil; all of it: I wanted a big substantial lunch and I wanted it then and there.
I drove with my friend to the village market. I kept my plan a secret. Even if I faltered I knew my friend would support me in any decision I made. Eat well and healthy or go for the big pig-out. But I knew my own conscience and sense of guilt would not let me talk about my evil plan.
“Chicken Panini with mozzarella cheese, pesto on a foccachia roll…panini’ed,” I told the girl behind the counter. To assuage my guilt I ordered my husband a sandwich too. I eyed the chips but gathered enough willpower to not grab a bag. I got a water (like diet coke with a pizza—I wasn’t kidding anybody, much less, myself.) As I moved toward the cash register I eyed the magic bars I had seen on my way in. My friend was across the way. I grabbed one and squirreled it between the sandwiches. Usually we split these treats but not today; today it was all for me.
I got back to the office and tore into my sandwich. My friend headed out to the hallway to make a private call, by the time she was back I had finished my lunch. “I was hungry” I rationalized. I’m sure she was thinking I was kidding; she was gone less than 5 minutes and it was a BIG sandwich. I tried to convince myself that I was satisfied but the magic bar was right next to my computer and I could already sense its deliciousness.
“Screw it” I thought and torn off the plastic wrap. “I’ve gone this far; I am hungry; I don’t care today…I just don’t care” Meanwhile the back part of my rational brain started to calculate each calorie. “Shut up” my emotional side screamed and with every bite my emotions won over the rational.
My fingers were covered with graham cracker crumbs; I licked them, and then tried to wipe the stickiness off with tissues. Two thirds of the way through the magic bar my tummy started to cramp and it was signaling to my brain, “Enough! Enough!” But I had gone this far, I was going to finish it damn it, and I did, every last chocolate morsel, coconut shred and graham cracker crumble.
My stomach felt bloated. The full feeling I so craved a half hour ago was replaced with a tightness and uncomfortable feeling of being stuffed. My goal had been achieved. There was no sense of victory though; just a dull, somewhat satisfied, slightly guilty feeling. I drank some water to wash the sticky sweetness from my mouth and felt a few gas bubbles rumbling in my tummy. “I can live with this right now” I thought to myself and started back on my work.
And then an amazing thing happened. My focus started to become crystal clear. The fogginess I had been experiencing all morning was gone and I felt a renewed energy to complete my long overdue work projects. “Wait,” I thought, “what is going on here? My brain was right, it knew what it needed and took action fighting my long hard sensibility about dieting and it won. It needed sugar and protein and a burst of carbohydrate. Bottom-line my brain and my body needed food and a lot of it and I finally listened!
Now, it’s time for a run…