My Sister, Rebecca
I have little doubt that every athlete has a period of disillusionment Injury, sickness or life can erode the progress made in training. When things are going great it is easy to think falling behind in training will never happen to you. I mean, really, at that time you are on the top of your game and feeling invincible…nothing can stop you! And then things do; they stop you right in your tracks and true victories are no longer crossing the finish line but rather, a victory is just getting your running shoes on and your body out the door.
And thus describes my past six months. Life got in the way; knocked me right off my game and the challenge to overcome the disappointment of letting my training slip almost has been the biggest hurdle of 2015.
I haven’t made it completely over the hurdle yet but in this process I have learned these four valuable lessons:
I am as mortal as the rest. Sounds pretty conceited I know but my first two years of training and events were very rewarding. The weather seemed to always cooperate with warm sunny days being the norm. I achieved PR’s at almost every race. I had no injuries. I enjoyed training and had a great support group of running friends and fans. I had a growing sense of accomplishment every step of the way. I thought I had figured it all out. This was my thing and everything, at least in my eyes, would always simply fall into place.
And then I got my first “injury”. I didn’t even get it while training or racing. It happened just before Christmas in the middle of the night when I got up out of bed too quickly and my equilibrium was way off. I passed out cold and ended up with a concussion. Long story short it was not just a “bump on the head”. By the time I visited the doctor she said I would have to lay low for a few weeks to allow my brain to recover. I had succeeded at getting bib in the Disney Glass Slipper challenge in February and in January there was still a good possibility I could spend the needed time to recover from the concussion and still run it. Then I got a cold which led to a long bout of bronchitis and the doctor said, “NO training”. This set me into a tail spin. I deferred my entry to the Disney race and threw myself into the work of my public policy graduate program and internship. I allowed the major snowstorms hitting our area to provide me with all the excuses I needed to reduce my training to almost nothing. By April my body was fully recovered and the snow had finally melted but my state-of-mind was in total disrepair. It seemed like excuses for not exercising were reasonable and the longer I put off training the easier it felt to just not do it at all. I had learned I was mortal and I didn’t like it…not one bit.
2. The only one who can get you back to training and racing is yourself. This huge setback I had gotten into was all my own doing. But I wanted to blame something or anyone else for it. The snow, getting sick, school work, family, any excuse could do except the real one: I had lost my confidence. I had amble opportunity to get back slowly into a training routine. I could have gone walking or for a swim at the YMCA pool (which is less than a 1/4 mile from my house) or even dusted off the old elliptical my husband had bought me years ago. But the big monster of disappointment stayed on my shoulder and whispered incessantly in my ear and kept me from re-committing. I was constantly wrestling with my demons. I was afraid that if I got back into training I would find out that I couldn’t do it anymore. When I shared my new found challenge with others I was met with responses like, “look at what you have done! Just do it; just go for the run, bike ride, swim”. I would respond with all sorts of excuses out loud and to myself. None of the excuses really made any sense in the long run but in the moment they seemed legit. It wasn’t till I finally stopped the negative talk in my head and had a long hard conversation with myself about my reality that I started to put the pieces back together to start training. The key was taking back control of the conversation in my own head. I knew what I had to do if I wanted back in to the world of training and racing. I had to be positive and “just do it!” I finally pushed myself to take the first steps back to recovering who I had been as an athlete.
3. It takes the same baby steps to get back into training as it did to start training. Honestly even though I had the honest conversation with myself about getting back into training and mentally I thought I was ready, my body was like, “Nope”. Every run made me feel like I was running in cement shoes; my knees and back suddenly hated biking and the snowiest winter on record made my favorite pond so cold that putting my head in resulted in sheer agony. I started to question why I had ever fallen in love with these sports in the first place. I contemplated the merits of being a casual exerciser; taking walks and hikes around the Cape, enjoying recreational bike rides on the bike trails and taking leisurely swims in the ponds and ocean. But there was a small voice deep inside me insisting I try again and not give up. I had a growing sense that I still had goals to meet and that I was not done yet. So I am ignoring the aches and pains and I have been pushing myself out the door every day. It is still a battle. I have stepped back on training distances, am mindful of “rest” days and feeding my body the right foods for successful training and recovery. I have set new smaller early season goals. I dropped the early spring sprint triathlon, ditched the 1/2 marathons and have opted to do 5Ks. My new, goal is to run a 5K race every weekend until my first sprint triathlon. I am punctuating the weeks with bike rides and an occasional swim in the pond despite the cold. These are baby steps. I have reset my expectations from PRing to completing a race with a smile on my face.
4. I have not fallen back in love…yet. Forgiveness, determination, and sheer will are the things getting me through the beginning of this season. I don’t love the training like I have in the past. My body is rebelling and old aches and pains are back with a vengeance but I have made the decision that I am not done with being an athlete. I have more to do and more races to run. I know there is love in my heart and what was once lust is now evolving into a deeper respect of the sport. I have come to learn my vulnerabilities and the limits of, not only, my body but of my mind. I know I have a strong drive to succeed and when I set and commit to a goal I can achieve it. I will keep doing my thing and the love will return…this I know for sure.